What do you stand for?
“This isn’t right,” the individual I was coaching stated unequivocally.
“How so?” I asked.
Staring at me, I could see a look of frustration forming on their face.
“Because they shouldn’t be behaving in that way,” they responded curtly.
“Why not?” I continued to probe.
“Because they shouldn’t!” they stated, with their frustration now appearing to boil over into anger.
Holding the silence, I wondered if they would provide any substance to their objection. But they didn’t.
“Tell me,” I said, as they seemed to ready themselves for my next question. “What do you stand for?”
Red Lines
In a period where things seem more confusing than ever, and where most people I talk to state that they feel like their current perspectives about what is right and wrong is being called into question, I have found myself often asking this simple question: ‘What do you stand for?’
For many people, when asked this question they provide a classic response, expressing values that they believe are important to them. When pushed harder in terms of whether that means they never compromise what they describe they stand for, it very quickly becomes apparent that their ‘red lines’ are not solid, but in fact, are a bit ‘fuzzy’.
“So, you say that what you stand for is honesty, right?” I stated to someone I was talking to a few months ago.
“Absolutely, it is unacceptable when people don’t tell the truth,” was the response they shared.
“Great, so does that mean you never ever lie?” I asked before watching the look on their face drop and their cheeks become flushed with embarrassment.
Too often it is easy to make grand statements about what we stand for. We state that these are our red lines – the absolutes of what we perceive to be right and wrong – but regardless of what these statements are, the true test is whether we live them without compromise.
Going Deeper
Living in a classic suburb of a big city, it has always felt nice to be surrounded by a community of people who support each other when needed. As our children headed toward school age, it was fascinating to see how the feeling of being a community started to strain with the competition for school places. Whilst not overt, it seemed apparent to me that something had changed as every parent sought to ensure their child was positioned to get the best possible start in life.
“We’re all friends and a true community up to the point where we’re competing for school places,” I said to my wife, Candice, one day when I noticed that the conversations and interactions between parents had changed.
Whilst I do not judge anyone for wanting to create the best opportunities for their children, because that’s what Candice and I are also trying to do, going back to the question of ‘What do you stand for?’, I believe that this behaviour reveals the truth.
To find the true answers to the question of ‘What do you stand for?’ I believe we need to go deeper. We do this by asking – ‘What would you die for?’
At this stage I’m sure you’re wondering where the hell this is going. Whilst it is not a question that we naturally want to ask ourselves, and it is not one we ever want to have to prove, I believe that it is only through going to this depth that we can understand what is truly important for us.
“My family,” is what one person said when I asked them. “I would sacrifice my life for them if it meant they would live healthy, happy lives.”
“That’s easy to say, but what does it mean in practice?” I then asked, challenging to get to a deeper perspective.
Regardless of the response I then get, the further question I always ask is “How does this guide your behaviour in your day-to-day life?”
So, where should you start?
Whilst I can appreciate that the types of questions above can feel daunting to consider, in times where things are confusing, it is more important than ever to strengthen the foundations for who we are and what we believe is important. And whilst it is always essential to periodically challenge our definitions, without going to this depth we risk building our existence on unstable foundations.
To ensure we are clear on what we stand for, the starting place for me is always considering what is most important to you in life. Much like, Abraham Maslow’s famous hierarchy of needs, the very base need is safety and security, for ourselves and then those we love. Beyond this, I think it involves considering what beliefs, values and principles define what we consider to be right and wrong, and for these, what our thresholds are. For example, theft of any kind, even a paperclip is something I consider to be wrong. But, if it meant that the only way my family could survive was for me to steal food, then you would most likely see that my thresholds for this principle would change.
Standing Firm
In a time when it seems that the world is in a state of flux and the definitions of what we consider to be right and wrong are being challenged, it’s important to take the time to be clear on what you stand for. Whether this be related to all parts of your life or just certain roles, considering the questions above helps you be clear on what is important to you and what will guide your behaviour in your day-to-day life.
Want to know more? Contact Rob@purposefulleader.co